Empathy Under Pressure: A Story of Staying Calm

When the Boat Ran Aground

The first two kabooms were loud enough to stop my thought.

We were sailing along the Maine coast when suddenly, the boat struck the ledge and stopped dead in the water. Eric was steering. He ran to the bow to see the damage, and I stared at the depth gauge: two feet of water.

In a crisis, judgment is usually the first wave that hits. We want to blame ourselves, our partners, the charts, or the rocks. But as I sat there in the silence following those jolts, my first thought wasn't blame. It was, How much damage is there?

Then I  thought: He must feel awful.

Empathy Instead of Blame: The Sage Takes the Wheel

This story was shared on Linkedin in a different format. I was surprised to receive this insightful note:

Darelene Cunha wrote: “People don't do their best work when they are afraid of being blamed.

They do it when they know they can be human.

That is leadership.

That is partnership.

And that is how we create cultures where people can navigate the hard moments together.”

That simple shift to Empathy marked the moment. It kept us in what I call the "Sage" mindset, which is focused, calm, and clear -  instead of letting the judgement take the wheel.

Because there was no blame, there was no defensiveness, and no negative emotion driving a senseless storyline. I tried the reverse; no luck. We raised a small sail to lift us; nothing. As the tide went out, the boat began to tilt. I asked him to set the anchor to keep us in one place when the tide returns, and he did. Even while he worked through his own ideas, he responded to my request to turn on the radio so we could hear the Coast Guard.

We were experiencing true cooperation.

Reflecting on how that was possible, I see the power of empathy — empathy for each other and for the situation itself.

Empathy for the Situation: Working With What's Real

There's a saying in Maine: "If a sailor tells you they've never run aground, they're either lying or they haven't sailed Maine."

That perspective deflates the shame. It allowed us to work with reality instead of fighting it.

Once we had exhausted the physical possibilities, I said in a very even tone, "Now, we need to employ patience." We had to wait for the tide to go all the way out and come back up — six hours. We couldn't force the moon or the ocean.

That is empathy for the situation: what are the facts right now?

Empathy for Myself: Staying on Watch

As darkness fell, made a sideways bed in the tilting berth. He called up to me, telling me it was warm and I should sleep. But I couldn't sleep because I was managing my fear about the possibility that the wind would shift, filling the boat with water. I chose to stay on watch.

That was empathy for myself. I didn't need him to feel my fear to validate it. I stayed with my job until I built up enough faith in the forecast - a steady light wind - to finally rest.

Empathy for Others: The Voices on the Radio

Then there were the voices on the radio. A Good Samaritan offered tips. The Coast Guard checked if we were safe. Nobody shamed us. Their non-judgment reminded me we were not alone.

Empathy creates emotional safety. Research backs this up: a nine-month training study found that daily practices emphasizing non-judgmental, empathic listening reduced people's stress-hormone reactivity, in part by lowering their fear of being negatively judged by others.

When people respond without judgment, you stay "resourced." You don't waste energy protecting ego from humiliation; you use all that energy to handle the actual problem.

Why Empathy Under Pressure Matters in Healthcare Leadership

I see this often with the women I coach in healthcare. You are carrying impossible loads. You are already so hard on yourselves. You don't need blame layered onto your exhaustion. You need the space to blamelessly discern what is happening in you, around you, and in the systems where you work.

Empathy is the key that unlocks that space.

Three Kinds of Empathy You Can Practice Today

Empathy for yourself says: I am doing my best in a hard moment. Empathy for others says: They are likely carrying more than I can see. Empathy for the situation says: Let me work with reality instead of fighting it.

From that place, better ideas emerge. Trust strengthens. Even in a crisis, you stay open to the tide coming back in.

What is a situation in your life right now that might change if you replaced judgment with a little bit of curiosity and a lot of compassion?

FAQ

What does "empathy under pressure" actually mean in a crisis? It means your first instinct is understanding instead of blame — toward the other person, the situation, and yourself — which keeps you resourced enough to actually solve the problem.

How is empathy different from just staying calm? Staying calm is the outcome. Empathy is often the mechanism — when you're not spending energy on blame or defensiveness, that energy is free to go toward the actual problem.

Can you have empathy for yourself in a crisis without needing anyone else to validate it? Yes. Self-empathy doesn't require someone else to feel what you feel — it just requires you to acknowledge it's real and stay with your own experience.

If this kind of reframe is useful to you, I write about presence, resilience, and leadership like this every week — join the newsletter to get the next one.